Orgy With The Enemy
by Megan13
Summary: Warning: slash "It was kind of like a grisly car wreck you really want to look away from, but no matter how hard you try to pry your eyes away you have to watch."
1. Good ideas

"Peace pipe my ass."  
  
"Potter, shut the fuck up." Draco squeaked before letting the smoke out of is lungs.  
  
"Peace." Ron laughed, studying his fingers in the form of a peace sign. "Look, peace."  
  
"Ron, shut the fuck up." Hermione coughed out as she passed the bowl full circle and back to Harry. "Has anyone told you you're fucking annoying?"  
  
"And has anyone ever told you you're a bitch?" Draco said. "Let the boy have his fun."  
  
Hermione smirked and flicked Draco off.  
  
"Naw man, not my style." Draco shrugged, taking the pipe from Harry. "I like them boys."  
  
"How bout them Yankees?" Ron said, bursting out laughing. "Yankees. Ah, I love America. It's the place where Dan came from. Dan Smith, how fucking American."  
  
"Again, shut the fuck up Ron." Hermione looked at Draco and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah." Draco nodded his head.  
  
"You tell him girl." Harry shouted.  
  
"Shut the fuck up Potter, you'll get us in trouble." Draco hissed, putting his hand over Harry's mouth to shut him up. "I honestly don't think McGonagall would be too fucking happy if she found us in here smoking pot and having a fucking orgy. And damnnit, Snape would kill me for even stepping foot in this godforsaken House."  
  
"We're not having an orgy." Hermione said.  
  
Draco shrugged. "Well, not yet."  
  
She rolled her eyes and took a hit from the bowl. "Why did I have to be the girl who's friends are all pixie ferries?"  
  
"Hey." Draco glared at her. "I am not your friend."  
  
"Well then why are you here Malfoy?" She asked.  
  
"Cause I'm Potter's friend." Draco smiled and leaned over to kiss Harry.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes again and looked at Ron. "They're like fucking rabbits, those two are. Always touching and snogging and God knows what else."  
  
"Sex." Ron said bluntly.  
  
"Yes, sex." Hermione sighed as her eyes floated over to Draco and Harry's lip-lock.  
  
It was kind of like a grisly car wreck you really want to look away from, but no matter how hard you try to pry your eyes away you have to watch. Hell, who wouldn't want to watch those two go at it, even pay to see it? They're all slicky and smooth and Draco looked damn sexy with his new surfer-boy look. Platinum blond hair Anna Nicole Smith would die for and a tan only attainable by laying out naked all summer on private golf courses. Which is exactly what he did. No tan lines. Nope, not one. And Hermione'd checked during one of his and Harry's previous sex sessions they would start right in front of everyone.  
  
"Granger, you gonna hit that or continue drooling over the hot boy-on-boy action?" Ron asked, adopting Draco's use of last names.  
  
"Huh?" Hermione shook her head as Ron's words sliced through her little fantasy floating through her head. "Oh, yeah. No, wait. It's cashed."  
  
"Ah shit." Ron lapped into his pissed off mood he got into every time the weed ran out. Of course, five seconds later he'd be happy again and plotting to seduce Snape in the next potions class.  
  
"Hey, what do you think of filming them?" Hermione leaned over and whispered in Ron's ear.  
  
"What?" Ron asked, clearing out the bowl for later use.  
  
"I was just thinking that people would probably pay to see that. I mean, you know how people swoop down like vultures the second they kiss in the halls. They want hard core Malfoy on Potter sex and I know people would pay for it." She smiled deviously. "How much would you pay for your own personal copy of Malfoy & Potter: A Sex Story?"  
  
"That's a shitty name." Ron said flatly.  
  
"Well we'll think of something better. But what do you think people would pay for that?"  
  
"Five galleons at least."  
  
"Come on Ron. It's The Death Eater fucking The Boy Who Lived. People are going to pay a lot more than five galleons for that."  
  
"Well I don't know."  
  
"How much do you pay for your normal porn?"  
  
"Ten galleons, at least."  
  
"Then we'll double it. Twenty pounds for hot boy-on-boy, enemy-on-enemy, bad-on-good, Malfoy-on-Potter action."  
  
"Why do you keep saying Malfoy first? He doesn't always top."  
  
Hermione took one look at the two guys making their way to the closest bed, Seamus's, and looked back at Ron. "Come on Ron, we know who tops. And it sure as hell isn't Harry."  
  
Ron seemed to think about that. "Yeah, true. He's a bottom boy. Okay, go get the camera."  
  
Ten minutes later Hermione was back with the camera. They decided to wait until the next sex session to begin filming, seeing as it was already half way over. The also felt it would be good to use the camera to the fullest and film the guys at atleast five different times and locations.  
  
That was why the next day in potions when Neville asked why Hermione was carrying around a camera she just smirked and said, "If you film it, they will buy it." That left Neville pretty damn confused and Ron laughing his ass off. That is until Snape gave him detention and his laugh turned into a full out grin he kept on his face the rest of the day.  
  
"What's up with the camera?" Harry asked at dinner that night. "You've had it everywhere with you today."  
  
"Nothing." Hermione grinned and patted the camera. "Hey, I was thinking we should go get smashed down in the dungeons tonight."  
  
"Yeah sure." Harry agreed.  
  
"Don't forget to get Malfoy." Hermione said.  
  
"Kay." Harry cracked his neck and pushed his food around with his fork. That is, until it suddenly got up and walked away. "Aren't they supposed to kill it first?"  
  
"You wanted it rare." Hermione shrugged.  
  
"Yeah, rare as in, they just killed it." Harry informed her. "Not rare as in, they haven't killed it."  
  
"Eh, same thing." Hermione stood up abruptly and started towards the dungeons. "I'm gonna go tell Ron what's up. Make sure you and Draco are down there in a half hour."  
  
"Sure."  
  
Forty-five minutes later a very sweaty and rumpled Harry and Draco appeared in the dungeons. At first Hermione wasn't sure they'd be up for another round of hot sweaty sex, but after a few minutes she realized they were in one of their affectionate moods and there would undoubtedly be more sex to film. What she wasn't expecting though, were Seamus and Dean approaching them ten minutes later.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" Hermione asked, quickly recalculating the plan in her head.  
  
"Harry told us to pop in if we were in the mood." Seamus said, quickly caculating exactly how many Irish car-bombs the half bottle of Bailey's would be able to supply him. He figured a lot and plopped down on the ground next to Harry and began making the shot.  
  
"And we're always in the mood to get drunk." Dean added.  
  
"Fine." Hermione sighed. "What the fuck? Is that Neville?"  
  
Dean took a quick look over his shoulder and nodded. "Yup."  
  
"What the fuck? This wasn't supposed to be a party." Hermione said, frustrated. This was definitely screwing up her plans.  
  
"Blaise and Millicent will be here in a minute." Draco said before he began chugging the bottle of Tequila in his hand. He wiped off his mouth with the back of his hand when he was done and burped before adding, "And Pansy said she'd make an entrance."  
  
"Oh, and Lavender." Harry said. "And that one girl with the blond hair."  
  
"Which one?" Ron asked.  
  
"The one with the blond hair." Harry said as if it explained everything. "You know, the sixth year? The one that turned her robes into a miniskirt?"  
  
"She's hot." Ron said.  
  
"Oh yeah." Hermione said and then looked around nervously. "Um. She is."  
  
"Hey Granger, I think we need to talk." Ron pulled Hermione away from the others.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What are we going to do? We can't film Potter and Malfoy shagging with all these people around. It's like this is a sign or something. Maybe we shouldn't do this whole porn thing."  
  
"Ron, you are far to easily ready to throw in the towel. Come on man, we've got to do this. We'll be rich."  
  
"Rich?"  
  
"Rich Ron. Hell, we can build our own porn dynasty."  
  
"Sounds interesting."  
  
"And you know what sounds even better to me?"  
  
Ron grinned slyly. "Orgy?"  
  
"Orgy." Hermione confirmed.  
  
"We should probably get permission for that though. Don't you think?"  
  
"We will. We'll just wait until they're smashed."  
  
"Are they all of legal age?"  
  
"Well. There's you, me, Harry, Draco, Seamus, Dean, Pansy, Lavender, Blaise, Millicent, the blond girl who failed a few years, Neville and. Yeah, we're all of legal age."  
  
"We? You mean you're going to participate in this little," Ron made little circles with his hands, "thing?"  
  
"Huge group orgy we're filming Ron. Of course not." Hermione rolled her eyes. "I'll be the camera-woman."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Hey! Where the hell did Granger and The Weasel go?" They heard Draco yell from the other side of the dungeon.  
  
"We're coming." Hermione yelled back. "Remember, get them blitzed then we'll have them sign something for consent. Got it?"  
  
"Crystal."  
  
"What?" Hermione looked confused.  
  
Ron looked at her sheepishly. "Sorry, I thought you were gonna say clear. So I said crystal. You know clear as. Never mind."  
  
About an hour later everyone was well into their drunken faze and Hermione, being a bit tipsy as well, decided it was about time to make her little home video. She went around and asked everyone if they wanted to participate and had everyone sign a parchment saying they lawfully were of age and consented to being filmed. Everyone wanted in, even Neville which kinda surprised Hermione.  
  
"Okay, and action everybody." She smiled from the camera. "I said action. Hello, when I say action you people start shagging like bunnies."  
  
"What, no candlelit dinner?" Draco said sarcastically.  
  
"Do it." Hermione snarled.  
  
Draco shrugged and pulled the closest person to him, Blaise, into a luxurious kiss. It took a moment, but soon everyone followed suit and the next thing Hermione knew clothes were coming off and grunts and moans were indicating that all the participants were very much enjoying themselves. Hermione smiled and walked around slowly to get at it from every angle.  
  
A few hours later everyone was satisfied and they headed back to the dorms. Being much more sober each one asked Hermione for a free copy which she promised to get to them as soon as she put a soundtrack to it. Two days later Orgy With The Enemy went on sale. Hermione and Ron were sold out within fifteen minutes and within twenty were up for two months worth of detention along with everyone else.  
  
"I still think it was good idea." Pansy said, scrubbing at the same spot on the floor she'd been at for the past hour. "I'd do it again."  
  
"So would I." Ron agreed. "Do you have any idea how much money we made yesterday? Well over two grand."  
  
"Ginny said she wanted in." Harry said. "But I told her that's be pretty sick seeing as her brothers in it."  
  
Ron visibly shivered with disgust at just the thought of his little sister joining in. "That's warped."  
  
"Yeah." Draco agreed. "I mean, one Weasley's bad enough. But two? Going a little too far, hm?"  
  
"You weren't saying that Saturday." Ron smirked.  
  
"Shut up Weasel." Draco sneered and went back to overseeing everyone's progress in scrubbing the dungeon floors.  
  
"You know," Hermione said, "we have two whole months of detention. Which means that we'll be in lots of different places and in very close proximity of each other. So I mean, it's natural that someone would start making out with someone else and some of the others would join in or sit on the sidelines and watch and that... I dunno, somehow one of us would just happened to have a camera and manage to get the whole thing on tape." Hermione shrugged. "But, what do I know?"  
  
"We're working on the Quidditch field tomorrow." Draco said, sounding as casual as ever as he studied his fingernails. "People would certainly pay to see naked Quidditch."  
  
Hermione grinned. "I'll bring the camera." 


	2. Naked Quidditch

Okay people, this chappy really sux! I'm sorry bout it, but I couldn't think of anything good and since this was supposed to be a one shot, I kinda used my porn stuff on that. But I tried and I'll try again for another chappy if people like this one... I'm thinking it's gonna be more business oriented from now on though. Like, behind the scenes of a Hermione porn dynasty. Hm, give me some suggestions.  
  
Lotrfan55345: Dude, you are my # 1 supporter in this story. You're like my creative director! Draco is to my everything else! Hermione. Thank you Bud, and hopefully this is ½ way decent.  
  
Lover411: I wrote more! Even though I hadn't planned on it...  
  
Divakitti05: Glad you like it man! I appreciate it!  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
"Slytherin vs. Gryffindor?" Ron asked.  
  
"No, there's too many off you guys." Draco said. "Teams wouldn't be even."  
  
"So who's gonna be captains?" Hermione asked impatiently. They only had two hours to clean the quidditch field and at the pace they were going they would never get through filming before Snape came to get them.  
  
"That's the stupidest question anyone's ever asked." Draco said dryly. "Potter and I will be captains."  
  
"Why are you two always captains?" Neville asked.  
  
Draco looked at him as if were stupid. "Shut up Longbutt. I'll go first. Wealsey."  
  
"You can't take Ron!" Harry yelled. "He's my best friend."  
  
"Yeah but, he's better than everyone else." Draco grinned. "Pure strategic move. You can have him back at the end of the game."  
  
"Fine, I'll take Dean." Harry said.  
  
"Blaise."  
  
"Lavender."  
  
"Finnegan."  
  
"Millicent."  
  
"Pansy."  
  
Harry studied the last two candidates for his team. He squinted his eyes as he thought and then said, "Blond Girl."  
  
"Fine." Draco smiled as he looked over his team. "Longbutt, you're sitting out this time."  
  
"What?" Neville cried.  
  
"Look mate, we've got odd numbers and someone has to sit out." Draco looked over at Hermione. "That is, unless Granger over there cares to join in. Then the teams will be even."  
  
"Camera-woman." Hermione said in that fake 'gee shucks' voice.  
  
"And that leaves you as first assistant to the camera-woman/ director/ producer/ everything else." Draco told him with a shrug.  
  
"Hey!" Ron yelled. "I'm creative director."  
  
"Sorry Bud, but that's me." Draco said. "I came up with the naked quidditch. I'm the creative director." He turned to Neville. "See, even Weasley can't have it his way. Better luck next time."  
  
Neville opened his mouth to object but Draco just shrugged him off and turned to the other 'actors.' They discussed what exactly was going to happen. Then they passed around three bowls at once in order to 'prepare' and get their 'creative juices' flowing before they began stripping.  
  
Once everyone was naked Hermione put an invisibility charm on the field and flicked on the camera. The 'actors' took this as their cue and quickly climbed onto their brooms. Hermione was also on a broom trying to get the best angles and the perfect shot at all times. The rules for the game were there were no rules and Draco's team took full advantage of that. But instead of the usual bulgers to the head, they were grabbing other players off their brooms and having their way with them right there on the brooms.  
  
At one point Hermione found the captains on the ground in the very center of the field going at it like they were old and would die before they had another chance to fuck. Soon all the players found their way to the middle of the field where the real 'orgy' began. Hermione cackled the whole time, little dollar bill signs in her eyes, as she watched from behind the camera.  
  
After a while Hermione finally took a look at her watch and sighed as she noticed the minute hand snaking towards the eight. Snape would be there soon, better start wrapping for the day. She flew into the middle of the field and before she knew what was happening, was grabbed in by Ron.  
  
Finally they finished and all the participants moved to put their clothes on. Hermione just laid there for a few moments, smoking a cigarette and blowing little smoke rings at Dean's head. It took all her strength to finally get off the grass and put some clothes on. She wasn't quite sure whose purple boxers she had on, but they were silk and that's all that mattered anyway.  
  
"We won." Draco said as he pulled on his pants.  
  
"Like hell you did!" Harry yelled at him. "We kicked your arse!"  
  
"Oh come on Potter. We won. Just admit it."  
  
"Why the fuck would I admit something that wasn't true?"  
  
"Cause you're the fucking hero. Hero's do that kind of shit. Help old ladies across the street, kill the villain, save kittens from trees, get it up the ass from your enemy, stop people from stealing baby's candy, admitting you LOST!"  
  
"Fuck that!"  
  
"Um guys..." Neville said quietly.  
  
Hermione looked to the sidelines where Neville had been instructed to stand. There was Snape with Neville's ear in a vice-like grip looking threateningly around at all the students on the field. Hermione smacked herself on the forehead and let out a long stream of obscenities before she went to talk to Snape.  
  
"Hello Professor." Hermione said politely as she approached the huge bat. "What brings out outside during daylight?"  
  
"Look Granger," Snape growled into Hermione's ear, "we made it clear the first time you were caught in this... Position, that this was not acceptable."  
  
"I'm very sorry Professor. I swear we won't..."  
  
"Cut the crap kid." Snape hissed. "I want a copy of this on my desk first thing in the morning. And I hope you'll be more careful in your sales this time. No running up and down the halls yelling 'Porn! Porn!' like last time. Understand?"  
  
"Wait, so you're not gonna turn us in?"  
  
"And lose the most enjoyment I've had in twenty years?" Snape scoffed. "I think not."  
  
Hermione gagged, but nodded her head anyway. "Sure Snape. We'll be more careful."  
  
Snape stared at her for a few moments before yelling, "Twenty points to Gryffindor." Then he walked away.  
  
All of them just stood there, shocked.  
  
Hermione wanted to throw up. But then she smiled as she imagined herself rolling in a huge pile of money. She looked at her 'cast' and her smile grew as she imagined the headlines: HERMIONE GRANGER HITS A TRILLION WITH HER PORN DYNASTY.  
  
Life was good. And so was that thing Blaise did with his tongue.  
  
The next day Snape found a copy of 'Hard Brooms' lying on his desk first thing in the morning, sales went up as the video was released in surround- sound, they made a shitload of money, and Draco was already coming up with plans for their next venture.  
  
"I was thinking." Draco said as he sat behind Snape's desk during their detention/ creative meeting. "We have to help Horrid Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest Thursday, why not use that to our advantage? I mean, how about we dress up like creatures of the Forest or something? We can call it," he thought for a moment, "Mating Habits, or something."  
  
"Good idea." Hermione said and smiled at Draco. "You're not my number one creative director for nothing."  
  
"No I'm not." Draco smiled. "Oh, and Miss Granger? Will you be joining us this time? Because I've got this move that'll make your toes curl."  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** 


	3. Wrinkled Porn

Wow! So this chappy's kind of weird! I actually wrote the first half of it ½ way drunk at 1:30 in the morning. But don't worry cause I went through to make sure it's not too fucked up. Even though, come to think about it, the beginning's really not fucked up at all... Yeah, so anyway.  
  
Duochang: I know man, Hermione with her very own Porn dynasty... Kinda iffy, ya know? But I figure she's a money-grubber so it's all good! And yes, they get paid, somehow. Thanks for the review!  
  
Frito The Great: I like your name... Anyway, thanks man!  
  
Kandy65grl78: Thanks man! I'm glad you like it!  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
Two days later Hermione sent Neville off with Lavender, Pansy, Blaise, and Seamus for the shoot in the Forbidden Forest. They'd had a meeting and decided that only certain people would be participating in the actual sex while others would be working behind the scenes as well as acting.  
  
Hermione, of course, was named producer/ director and was pretty much in charge of the whole thing. As he said, Draco was given the role of creative director/ advertising chairman. He was actually really into the work and took great pride in his well thought scenes. Lavender was made costume designer while Dean had the job of set design. Harry was put in charge of choreography for some of the more 'strenuous' scenes. Then there was Ron who'd finally gotten his way and Hermione made him assistant director along with Blaise. Pansy and Blond Girl were pretty much only there for the sex and neither of them had wanted any kind of job except as actresses. Millicent though, was the perfect secretary and Draco loved Seamus as his personal assistant. And lastly, Neville was put in charge of all things requiring a camera or a tape. And all of them helped to edit the films.  
  
All in all, they worked as one big, happy, and very horny family.  
  
It was all quite weird.  
  
"Granger!" Draco yelled as he entered Snape's office the day of the Forest shoot.  
  
"Yes Malfoy?" Hermione asked sweetly.  
  
"What the fuck?" Draco snarled, smacking a pile of papers onto the desk in front of Hermione. "You think you could have told me before you sent Longbutt off to film?"  
  
"Look Malfoy, I know you think Neville is some incompetent dick-wad, but I feel differently." Hermione said calmly. "He doesn't have the looks nor the skills as an actor and he's been with us since the beginning. I had to give him a job."  
  
"But putting him in charge of filming?" Draco asked. "He'll fuck it all up."  
  
"Have faith my dear Malfoy." Hermione smiled. "Faith, afterall, is what earns us the big bucks."  
  
"Fuck faith." Draco snarled. "And fuck you if Longbottom is the piece of shit I think he is. I will not have this whole thing going down the crapper because you think it's important to bring in your friends. Fuck Granger, if it were me that kid would have been gone long ago."  
  
"We've been at this for less than a week."  
  
"Shut up." Draco rolled his eyes. "Look, this film is very important. If we don't give 100% then the whole thing's going to shit. My research shows that already 87% of the school owns at least one of the two films we've already released. This means over ¾ of the school is already in possession of a tape and has already seen all of us fucking each other. This new film has to rock or it's your ass, my ass, and everyone else's ass. And I do not mean that in a good way."  
  
"Look Draco, I've got it handled." Hermione clasped her hands together atop of a pile of order sheets and smiled threateningly at Draco. "I personally gave Neville lessons with the camera and if he fucks up I take complete responsibility."  
  
"You fucking better." Draco spat angrily. He really hated taking orders from Granger. "Because if you don't your whole 'Porn Empire,' or what the fuck ever, will die slowly and painfully. I doubt you want that."  
  
"Do you have the new story board for our advertising campaign yet?" Hermione asked, completely ignoring everything Draco had just said.  
  
Draco gritted his teeth together. "Look, she-bitch, I can't do my job properly until I see that you have done your job properly. And until I see Longbottom's work I can't be sure you've done your work properly so therefore I certainly cannot finish my work. Besides, I lost track of time this morning when Harry began begging to suck my dick."  
  
"I really didn't need to hear that." Hermione's nose wrinkled with disgust.  
  
"Too bad" Draco sighed. "So you're completely confident that Neville will bring the upmost quality to H&R Porn? Because if you're not, I can have Crabbe or Goyle..."  
  
"That won't be necessary Draco." Hermione cut him off. "Just make sure you do your job and leave me to do mine. Understand?"  
  
Draco stood in front of her, previously Snape's, desk for a second, seemingly in thought, before nodding his head and walking off. Right before the door shut before him he called to her, "I'll have the rough draft on your desk first thing in the morning."  
  
Hermione laced her fingers together behind her head and leaned backwards in her chair. Unfortunately she leaned a little too far and the chair fell over. She was just pulling herself off the floor when Snape walked in. He stopped to raise an eyebrow and give her a look before shaking his head and heading up to her desk.  
  
"What can I do for ya Sev?" Hermione asked. "Advanced copy? We haven't begun filming yet so..."  
  
"I want in." Snape cut her off.  
  
"What?" Hermione shouted as her jaw hit the floor. "What the hell do you mean?"  
  
"Some of us teachers have been talking and we feel we should have an equal opportunity to have sex, film it, and get paid for it." Snape said. "So, what do you think?"  
  
"Abso-fucking-lutely not!" Hermione said, horrified. "I... No Snape... It just... Eew!"  
  
"What are you saying Granger?"  
  
"You're fucking old Sev!" Hermione gagged. "No one wants to see wrinkly old people go at it! Fuck, I'd rather suck Vincent Crabbe's dick and that's fucking nasty! Egh!"  
  
"Fine Granger." Snape growled. "There's enough room in this business for two."  
  
"Not when you're one of the two." Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Scared Granger?" Snape hissed.  
  
"Fucking terrified!" Hermione yelled. "Besides, who do you think is going to buy this video of yours? Cause honestly, I doubt anyone will want a copy of you getting it up the ass from Dumbledore."  
  
"We'll just see about that now won't we?" Snape glared and then turned swiftly on his heel and left the classroom with a 'bang' as the doors slammed shut behind him.  
  
Hermione's skin suddenly took on a pale green hue.  
  
"Dumbledore?" Was all she could choke out.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** 


	4. She's a Lady

*Wow, this took a long freaking time to update! Which I'm sooo sorry about! I just haven't really been in an orgy mood lately, but I think I'm getting back to it. So anyway, thanks to:  
  
*Frito the Great, kandy65grl78, lotrfan55345, soccer-chick250, scras 29, phredtheflyingmonkey, o mightymouse o, and Mistress joy... Special thanks to lotrfan55345 since you seem to be my biggest supporter on this ficcy. Thanks.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
Four days later the latest product from H & R Porn went head to head with Snappel P's first attempt at a porn film. It was a very hectic day for Hermione and while everyone was on the edge of their seats to see how the hell this thing turned out, she had Draco running sales reports every fifteen minutes for both releases. She wanted to be informed practically every time a copy of 'Care of Magical Creatures' (H & R's) or 'F For Fuck' (Snappel's) was sold. All in all, she was having a nervous breakdown.  
  
"Granger, take one of these." Ron said, handing Hermione a small pill. "It'll help you relax."  
  
"What the hell is this Ron?" Hermione snapped. She really wasn't in the mood for Ron's crap.  
  
"X." Ron grinned. "Look, just take one and you'll be so fucked up the day will just fly by and you won't have to worry every time something happens."  
  
"Are you sure Ron?" Hermione asked. "Cause I don't want to get so fucked up I won't know what I'm doing. Last time that happened I woke up naked in Millicent Bulstrode's bed with Malfoy in the middle of Pansy and me. And now that I have my own business I'd like..."  
  
Ron rolled his eyes and jammed the pill into Hermione's throat. "You talk way too fucking much. Now relax Granger and leave everything to Malfoy, Zabini, and me. We've got this whole thing covered."  
  
"Fine." Hermione glared at Ron. "But if, and I do mean if, Snappel's is somehow on the receiving end of a fucking miracle and our sales begin to wane, I want to be informed that minute. Understood?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever." Ron rolled his eyes and left Hermione to relax with some illegal help.  
  
He headed out of her new office, the Perfect's bathroom, and went to see what was going on with the sales. But when he arrived in Malfoy's room/ office, he found the Draco and Blaise passing around a bottle of champagne and a bowl of.... Ron sniffed the air, chronic.  
  
"What the hell are you two doing?" Ron asked as he grabbed the bottle out of Draco's hand. "You were supposed to fucking wait for me you bastards!"  
  
"Slytherin." Blaise shrugged as if that solved everything.  
  
"Yup." Draco giggled as he took a hit from the bowl. "Did you give it to Granger?"  
  
"I had to fucking jam it down her throat." Ron rolled his eyes. "Damn bitch wouldn't shut the fuck up. She's freaking out."  
  
"Well have you seen the latest report?" Draco asked. Ron shook his head and with a flick of Draco's wand the reports fell into his lap. He handed them to Ron and started bobbing his head to some unknown beat. "We're fucked."  
  
"What?" Ron yelled. "But how?"  
  
"They're starting to gain on us." Draco sighed. "We've been outselling them all day, but all the sudden they're only down by seven-hundred units."  
  
"That's shit!" Ron wailed. He looked at them and then snuck a drink from the bottle.  
  
"Yes it is." Blaise said as he cleaned out the cashed bowl. "And it's quite odd how the fuckers all the sudden started gaining on us."  
  
"What do you mean?" Ron asked.  
  
"No one could sell that much in fifteen minutes." Blaise told him. "I think they're buying them themselves."  
  
Ron burst out laughing.  
  
"I'm serious." Blaise said.  
  
"Well how the hell are we supposed to prove that?" Ron asked.  
  
"Catch them in the act." Draco grinned. "Come on."  
  
Ron stood still for a moment, unsure of what Draco and Blaise had planned. He really wasn't in the mood for them to get caught doing something and blame it all on him. Damn bastards would do it too. But then he shrugged in his 'lackey' way and followed the two out the door.  
  
"So, how are we supposed to catch them in the act?" Ron asked.  
  
"Weasley, shut up." Draco rolled his eyes and pulled Blaise up next to him.  
  
They whispered something to each other before both of them turned to Ron, grins on their faces and a mischievous glint in their eyes. Ron stopped dead in his tracks, but before he could make a mad dash away from the them, Blaise and Draco had grabbed him by the arms and were proceeding to drag him into the guys bathroom.  
  
"What the fuck!" Ron screamed as he was thrown into one of the stalls.  
  
"Shh Weasley!" Blaise hissed. "Shut the fuck up."  
  
"Like hell I..."  
  
"There," Draco said as his muting spell hit Ron, "that should shut him up."  
  
Blaise rubbed his temples before casting a spell on the toilet paper to turn it into rope and wrap itself around Ron. "Are you sure? He seems to be putting up a bit of a..." Blaise yelped as Ron bit his arm. "That bitch bit..."  
  
"Blaise, shut up!" Draco yelled. The other two boys quickly stopped trying to bite and trying to keep from being bit. They looked at him, fear in their eyes. "Listen Weasley, we're going to get some inside information on Snape and his gang of perverted professors if it kills you."  
  
Ron's eyes grew wide at the last word.  
  
"Now," Draco let out a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face, "this is the plan..."  
  
Twenty minutes later Blaise and Draco were waltzing out of the boy's bathroom with huge grins on their faces and a leggy red-head with huge boobs and wearing a little black dress lagging behind them. Ron's head was bent as he cursed silently at the two. He'd tried to beat the hell out of them when they finally untied him, but he found that his punches were weaker than a Hufflepuff first year.  
  
He was incredibly pissed off.  
  
"Now remember Weasley, you have to pretend to be my aunt." Blaise said. "You're name is Rhonda Zabini and you're here visiting for a few days. When Snape asks why he hasn't heard of you, we'll tell him you're the black sheep because of you're involvement with the Kitty's Pussies strip club. Then we'll get you in Snappels and find out what the fuck's going on. Got it?"  
  
Ron glared at him.  
  
"Good." Blaise chirped.  
  
A few moments later the two boys and one... girl, were standing at the door to Snape's office and Snappels headquarters. Draco flashed Ron a smile before he began rapping impatiently on the door to the office. Before he'd even had a chance to stop knocking, the door flung open and Draco was instead pounding on Hagrid.  
  
"Hey fatass." Draco said dully. "I've got a little surprise for your boss."  
  
"And what might that be?" Hagrid asked hotly.  
  
Draco sneered at him for a moment before he flashed a smile and pushed Ron in front of him. "I just thought he might like to meet Blaise's Aunt Rhonda. See, she's a stripper at Kitty's Pussies, and although we wanted to recruit her, we found her to be a bit too old. So instead, since we feel so confident about H&R, to let you take her for a spin. If you catch my drift."  
  
"Drift caught." Hagrid said, as he licked his lips and looked Ron up and down. "I think Snape would be more than pleased if your aunt joined is Mr. Zabini."  
  
Draco smiled curtly and in two seconds he and Blaise were headed back to H&R headquarters, laughing their asses off, as Ron was shown to Snape.  
  
"You know that you sounded like his pimp?" Blaise asked, giggling.  
  
Draco grinned. "I am."  
  
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 


End file.
